Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
