At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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