man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
