One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
