He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
