I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
