just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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