Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
