My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
