I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
