Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
