This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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