Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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