I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
