Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
