She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
