Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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