am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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