I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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