Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
