my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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