I wish I only lived at night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
