Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My penis needs a shock collar
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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