Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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