I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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