I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
