i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
