I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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