I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
