i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
