I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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