I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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