just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
