tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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