Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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