What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
