If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So vagazzling was a success
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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