Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
