If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
