I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
