My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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