Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
