i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
