Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
