you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
