I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
