I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
