You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
