i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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