I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
