I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
