i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
